musings.

[sulevin]

her hands are made to hold on too tightly
( and to kiss her is to feel like the universe is resting on the tip of your tongue )

i. As a child Sahlin claimed to be fearless, she was willful and stubborn and refused to admit defeat. She made her mother smile and her father laugh and her Keeper sigh, for she questioned her lessons and wanted to explore. Most importantly she did not fear wolves.

────Above her head snapping, snarling, coats black and wet, they are going to find me. They will eat her, tear her to pieces until there is nothing left. She hugs her knees and weeps as they circle and snap and sniff for her. They are going to find me! They are going to eat me! They howl, by the creators, they howl and it sets a chill into her bones. Later when the rain has died down and wolves move on she sobs into her Keeper's robes and promises she will wear the ring, she will, and she will never take it off. ( She doesn't know she will take it off for the biggest wolf of them all. )

May the Dread Wolf never catch your scent. Sahlin laughs, he caught hers long ago amongst sobs, trees, rain, and he has consumed her.

ii. Her first love is tall hunter with dark hair and a wicked grin named Falos. He is better with a bow than her and offered to improve her skill, but neither of them ever let loose an arrow. He held her underneath a shaded tree and promised to keep her warm until the end of their days. He lied.

iii. Blood stains her hands, the blade, anger welling up inside her chest. Her hands tremble and she hears nothing but the sound of her own heartbeat thundering in her ears. Dread Wolf take you, she spits at bandit dying in a pool of his own blood. She only calms later collapsing in her mother's arms, terrified how easy it was to kill.

iv. ( There is a storm going on outside her tent, raging and howling, whipping at the secure flaps violently and she doesn't seem to mind. Solas is warm and comfortable and she drapes herself across him lazily, nuzzling his skin like a cat. He tells her of the things he had seen in the Fade, drawing patterns upon her spine. She couldn't be happier. )

v. You cannot stay here! She feels the castle beneath her feet rumble, the hoards baying at the doors. I won't let you commit suicide! This is her fault, all of it her fault, she is the reason Solas and Blackwall and the whole world is dying. She can't stop him, no matter how many times it plays out she watches the doors close on his back. Her throat closes around a scream when it opens again, arrows flying across into demon and Venatori alike, and Solas' body tossed on the chamber floor like a ragdoll.

"──Solas!" Waking is harsh, always harsh, she trembles and sobs and chokes on his name and it leaves her tired and sore and she curls in on herself. Just a dream, she tells herself, but that never eases the pain.

vi. Haven is burning, an army marching towards them, all is lost. They send off their people through a hidden passage, tight smiles and promises of return. Sahlin knows better, she tries to assure Cullen regardless. She leaves him with a look of fear in his eyes and walks out the Chantry doors. She will be fine, they will be fine. Solas and Dorian stand beside her, Cassandra at her back, come what may they will survive this together.

That is what she tells herself when when the dragon roar pierces the sky and she yells at them to run, that is what she tells herself when fire consumes the path cutting them off. They got out, she prays they did, but she never sees. The blast knocks her across the snow and dirt and bruises her thin body. Please be safe, she thinks when the pain spreads from her hand throughout the rest of her body. She might die but as long as they survive...

It will be worth it.